Monday, July 14, 2014

BAU to the Rescue

"Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden."
(spoken by Hotch in "Paradise," 4x04, Criminal Minds)

Most who know me know I am a loyal Criminal Minds fan. Every episode is book-ended by quotes. I don't believe they have ever repeated a quotee (apparently this is actually word) within or between episodes, but don't quote (ha) me on that. But I digress. 

In senior year of college, I began to struggle with blogging, especially as difficult things were going on at home, combined with the encroaching sadness of leaving college behind and separating from a lovely, if insular-to-college, community. So, I turned to my favorite TV show for inspiration -- I picked an arbitrary quote from one of the openings/closings to help me focus my thoughts whenever I struggled to write. And it worked!

When I started my med school blog, I felt I was 'better' than that. I could manage my own inspiration! I was in such an inspiration-rich environment, what could possibly be lacking? Quite a bit, apparently, the most significant of which was focus.

I changed blogs from college to medical school because I thought carrying the same one forward would encumber the process of identity growth. But I'm keeping the same blog for this transition, from medical school to residency, at least for now. Why?
a) I never quite gave it a fighting chance, and feel responsible for giving it another go.
b) Transition and growth is a gradual incline, not a stepwise leap from one standpoint to another.
c) Let's face it, it's kind of an awesome name. (That's not arrogance speaking -- I didn't come up with it!)

But I think it will take a different form. I hope it will.

In medical school, I shied away from expressing too much of myself or my opinions. My friends will probably scoff at this. I should clarify -- this was mostly true in public environments/forums, maybe not as much one-on-one. I don't think this was a new trend; I'm a somewhat conflict-averse person, though I've been known to pick my battles.

I also somehow became of the opinion that I was only worth taking seriously if I processed my experiences into story-form prose. I'm still struggling with this, but I'm starting to consider that to be false. And the duality of self gets tiring to maintain. The intention to maintain it here began to translate into maintaining it in person. And that really gets tiring.

It seems kind of goofy to think that writing this will somehow affect a significant change in behavior. But maybe I will at times be more successful in holding myself accountable. And hey, I'm kind of goofy at baseline -- who knew? (Spoiler: My sister definitely knows. Better than any other human being alive. This will probably make her feel validated in some way. Just for you, M.)

I am a
-mentee, and dare I say, mentor
-[select] TV show junkie
-coffee addict
-Bollywood fan (though the 90s make me cringe)
-PJ extraordinaire
---> Some will think this stands for pajamas. Others will say poor jokes. They would all be correct.

The list is both incomplete and in continuous flux. Now I am also a psychiatry resident, resolving to work harder to find a truer me even as I help patients do the same. And all this with the hope that I will come out a better care provider and individual for the effort.

(Leave more identities in the comments! Yours or mine. The more absurd the better, of course.)